At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
