There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
