so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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