I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
