the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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