Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
