so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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