the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
