Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
