I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
