I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
