why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
