dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
