i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
