I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
