If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It's shark week go big or go home
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
