my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
