Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
