i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
