3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
