Don't make out with my wife yet
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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