I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
