Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
