Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
