The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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