I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
