I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
