I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
