I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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