Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
