McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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