We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
