Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
