After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
