i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
