i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
