Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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