If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize