he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
It was confusing and full of hummus
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
