alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
