I puked a lego.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
