he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
