Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Bring me that man meat
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
