Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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