Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We are all done wearing pants today
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