So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
