The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
