I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
