you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize