so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
