how can u be prego again
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Well I just put wine in my tea
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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