I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
