She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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