I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My feet surprised me
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize