I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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