you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
