I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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