I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize