insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
