Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize