You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
