how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
