The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
