my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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