I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
